insomnia

It's funny how you say stuff cause it feels good, then later, when you have to live by it, it's much harder. I told myself that I was going to prepare instead of plan and just go ass over teakettle and see what happens and I will have plenty of money to leave, somehow, I just have to trust.

And while I still believe these things, in theory, now that it is time to let go and put it into practice, it is much harder. Especially knowing that I did it to myself on purpose because it would be good for me. Now it just gives me insomnia.

Two more weeks until I am done working at the place that has paid my bills for the last eight years. I am so excited and so scared at the same time. I plan to leave to SA in the middle of October so that it's after their high season and closer to the beginning of the year when I cash out my 401K but there is also a part of me that would really like to just say "fuck it" and leave straight away. Just go so that I can be done preparing. I also know that this is the fatal part of patience. When you get tired of being patient and are ready to just throw it in and see what happens. There is a balance. There is a fine line.

I sure do spend more money when I'm not working though. I look forward to getting a little more into a home routine. More groceries and such. Down to the coffee house for some Internet. I look forward to starting the TEFL course, I think that will be a fun thing to do sitting on the porch this summer.

Oh, just a couple months of not having to get up to an alarm. That is all I want. And a week out of town. Even though I have years coming, I want a week right now.

mmmmm.

Tomorrow is my birthday! I am having a book exchange. Help me get more stuff out of my house and give me books to read so that I don't have to spend money to buy them. And get people to come over and visit and maybe play music and have a good day. It's meant to be the only sunny and warm day in two weeks, so that's good timing.

I was so very good about not spending money on things and getting my debt paid off so quickly, and now, with only three thousand to go, i have been so lame! i just ran out of ability to be disciplined, I have got to get that back!

There are still lots of things to be done. Some of it I can be doing and I'm just being lazy about, some of it I can't do yet.

I'm finding it harder and harder to be at work. I was an hour late to work every day this week. And I took a cab three days. That is just ridiculous. I just am so ready to be done. But I have caught myself in this game. I have to be done working soon. But I don't get to be done working until I have paid off my debt completely. Yet I do things like take a cab three days a week because I can't bring myself to get out of bed and go to work because I'm so ready to be done. I am so silly. And I have to knock it off.

I guess I am finding myself in the downfall of waiting so long between deciding and actually leaving. Sometimes I am really excited about it, but more and more often it is feeling like a chore. But even if I decided not to go at all, I would still need to pay off my debt and be done working at this job, so none of that changes. Just do it.

I always feel kind of funny and discontent right around my birthday. I am noticing this pattern in myself. And it's always funny because May 1st weekend is always right after and I have been focused on my birthday and then suddenly it's like three days to May 1st and I am not prepared and I'm out of sorts and it's hard to look forward to this holiday properly.

Whateves. I'm moving to South America. All of this stuff will get done and I will accomplish this goal and it will happen before I know it.

What this is really about.

Looking forward to a date with myself.

The opportunity, in a few months to sit down and have a conversation.

self, you are out of debt.
you are free of obligations.
you have enough money in your pocket.

what do you want to do?

I will be able to go anywhere in the world and do anything I want to. Good savings and no debt and a clean slate are enough to at least start a life really anywhere in the world. I could get a start in NYC or France or go to the the Antarctic or move to Montana or drive the AlCan highway or take the train across Siberia, move to an island in the south pacific, any of the hundreds of things I've always wanted to do. African safaris.

Meanwhile, the research focuses on Ecuador and I will be pleased to end up there if I don't decide differently that afternoon sitting in the trees or at the ocean.

Think of what abundance that is.

Talk about a truly privileged life, who gets to do that? Who on the planet gets to have that date with themselves. Such a small percentage. So many people will never ever get that opportunity, and so many who could have it will never choose it.

For the rest of my life I will know that I have experienced true abundance. True privilege. To have gotten to make a conscience decision about what to do with my whole life with every opportunity open to me.

As someone who has always fought tooth and nail against being told I must do something, I guess this will be my best revenge. For at least a moment, not one single person, including myself, will be able to tell me what I must or mustn't do.

That rules.

Also, it's kind of scarey.

Senor-itis

I can't wait for the last day of school!

approximate time left at the job: 3 1/2 months. that's 15 weeks. that's 15 TGIF's. only 15 more "uggg. monday"s.

15 weeks ago it was December 10th. hmmm. it's been longer since then that I hoped. I still have some time to wait. that's okay. now i can reset my "i want outta here!" a little bit cause i know it's further away than christmas is past. that's cool.

but, man, it's coming.

HAH!

Well, since last I wrote, I've decided to go to Ecuador instead of Mexico. This may change again. It may change a few times. But I'm more excited about going again than I've been in a long long time and that feels great. Cause it's my hot reality and I can do what I want! Amazing how much different it feels. When this whole thing started I wanted to be in South America, then I planned myself right out of it and into Mexico. Thank goodness I realized that the dream isn't Mexico, even if there are reasons that it makes more sense. The dream is South America, and that is where I'm getting my juice from. It feels exactly like it did when I first decided to do the trip at all. So right. Glad to have been paying attention to that.

But what else have I done?

I got the first of the hep A shots. My mom was able to do it so I didn't have to pay for the office visits. And I learned a trick about shots. If you let the alcohol dry, they don't hurt. The sting is from the alcohol getting in as the needle pricks the skin. I was also skeptical. Until the shot didn't hurt. At all. Cool trick.

I haven't heard back from my uncle yet about the questions for him, I'll report in when I do.

I made a list of things to put up on my wall at work to try to tick off as I go.

I emailed a friend of the family who has been a non-profit CFO for many years to set up a meeting (any excuse to expense cocktails) to discuss starting the process of my non-profit now so that when I'm ready, the paperwork is all in place and I just have to start the grant writing. That will be good to have started.

I contacted the sister of a friend who just got back from teaching in Ecuador and we are going to have coffee in early April as she is very busy right now.

A potential opportunity has come up for making some serious cash in September and October before I go so I will continue to look into that as a possibility. I can certainly go on what cash I will have, but it wouldn't hurt to have some more.

So now it's down to lists and check marks. And I am ecstatic again. Just beside myself. I really had a few weeks where I was unsure of what I was doing or why I wanted to do it or whether I was really going to or not. I suspected that it was part of the phase, but I was starting to be nervous about it. Now, I feel unstoppable again. It's pretty amazing.

my uncle's a lawyer

doesn't everyone have an uncle who's a lawyer?

anyway, I decided that if I come to write about what I've done each day to knock stuff off my to-do list then I will have to actually get some stuff done, right?

I think it's important to have someone at home who has complete access to my finances so that if something goes wonky, I wont be stuck in some weird place with no way to get at my money. I decided that would be my friend Geoff, whom I trust completely. I thought that I would just have him put on my account and that would be easy. Then people have started telling me that I need to arrange to give him power of attorney and file papers and such things or it could go all wrong just when I need it to work the most. That also brought up questions of whether I have made my will in case something goes more wrong than having him wire me money can fix.

But my affairs are so simple. One bank account, no bills to pay, if I die and I happen to have any money, just give it to my brother. That seems simple to me. Then I realized that if I had a more sophisticated understanding of the way that world works, I would likely not have one simple bank account and still, at 35 being filling out the 1040EZ cause it's easy. like it says.

A friend of mine was concerned enough about it to offer to pay for one hour of legal fees for me to make sure everything was in order and I was about to take him up on it but suddenly today it dawned on me, my uncle is a lawyer! Sweet! He is even a retired lawyer who has spent the last ten years traveling the world. Even sweeter! He will know the answers to these types of questions. So I sent off an email to him today asking his advice about how to make sure that everything is in order in case something goes wrong. I'm glad to have someone "in my pocket" who knows these types of things and will give me the best advice. That is lucky.

Also, my mom is a nurse so I asked her about the possibility of getting vaccines at wholesale and having her administer them instead of having to pay for an office visit. Twice. She is checking into that for me. So, again, lucky to have people in my life in the right positions.

So that is what I got done today. Not too much, but at least it's something. And I am again profoundly grateful for and to the people in my life.

but what am I DOING?

It is just getting on time to start doing stuff! It's very exciting.

I have an appointment to get the first of my Hep A shots next week as you need to get them 6 months apart for total coverage and when we went to Costa Rica I was lazy and never got the second shot. Which was stupid because it would have been free. Now I have to pay again. Grrrr. So now I have to get the first one again and then the second. I'll get the other shots I need along with the second round of Hep A in six months.

I am in contact with the online TEFL certification course and will hopefully start that in April. I don't want to wait too long because then it will be summer and I wont want to do things that require me to be inside on the computer. They don't write me back as often as I would like them to and it is good yoga to remember that they live on a different time frame and one week here and a few days there isn't going to hurt me any. And to look forward to living in that time frame. I can't wait to live somewhere that is built around doing things when you get around to them. That works for me. It works so very well.

I ripped all my CDs into my computer over the last month or so and just realized that I inadvertently ripped them at the lowest quality so now I have to rip them all again. sigh. I will probably get my external hard drive first though because I don't think they will fit at the larger size. So I'm getting ready to write that check next week even though originally I was going to wait til I was closer to leaving.

I bought portable travel speakers on line and am waiting for them to get here to see how they will work out.

I will ask for some money toward the camera I want for my birthday and be able to purchase that soon.

I have been researching different places and towns in Mexico so that when it is time to decide where to go and teach after the internship in Guadalajara I will have a better idea of what I want. I am leaning toward interior colonial towns but am committed to staying open to the best option. The upside to deciding before I go would be to have a better idea of what to pack. The interior towns tend to be in the mountains and a little chillier than one would usually think of Mexico as being.

The to-do lists are so long and I am afraid that I will think I have plenty of time and then find that suddenly I don't have any more time and really really need to get a bunch of stuff done. Then I will want to kick my own butt for not doing more sooner. But here I am at sooner and looking at the list and thinking, I can't do any of that yet. Balance.

I love this. I love producing my own life. What great practice the last ten years have been.