Please go to Mark's video blog for now. it's late and we're getting up early to go to the Otavalo Market tomorrow. Right now we're punch drunk and a little real drunk and sitting next to each other on computers doing funny stuff. I am so glad I'm here with these guys. Also, Mark is complaining that no one is commenting, so please do so. Today we went to the Equator.
www.youtube.com/oksoblog
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Sunday, October 19, 2008
The high dive.
"This is a stupid idea and I don't want to do it anymore" is the place that I lived yesterday.
Leaving Portland was so hard. I didn't want to do it anymore. It seemed like such a bad idea all of a sudden as I hugged the people I love so much at the train station and walked away from them. That is a moment and a feeling that will live in me forever.
I cried for hours after getting on the train and all the nice people were so concerned and I couldn't even explain. Eventually red wine and whiskey and Xanax helped.
But, I am so so so glad that I chose to ride the train to LA before flying to Quito. The decompression from leaving has been so critical. The room between leaving and arriving. I can't imagine the break that would have occurred in my soul and psyche if I had gotten on a plane and landed in Quito last night. My brain and emotions would have been so fried. 36 hours on the train and a day in LA will be just about right.
I expect the next time I will feel that sense of terror and wonder at the seeming sheer stupidity of this plan will be when I put Mark and Geoff on the plane to leave me in Ecuador. Knowing that I am meeting up with them sure made it easier to keep moving and get on the train. And to not get off it in Salem. And to not get off it in Eugene. And to not get off it in Redding. It crossed my mind every stop for many hours that I could just change my mind and go home. Like when you've climbed up the ladder to the high dive and then you don't want to do it anymore and you could climb back down the ladder? It felt kind of like that. The embarrassment would have sucked so much, but it was an option. For now, I'm still walking to the edge of the board. Determined and terrified and not totally convinced that I'm not going to turn around and climb back down the ladder.
I guess that it is this scary means that it is really worth doing.
Mostly now I'm doing well. I was glad for my travel training over the last years at not being nervous to get off the train and find the subway and then find the hostel in a strange city, at night, carrying all my worldly possessions. I hid my passport and travel money pretty well, figuring that if everything else got stolen, I could still move forward. Glad I don't have to put that to the test.
whew. next year became next month became tomorrow became today. here i am. i'm doing it.
Leaving Portland was so hard. I didn't want to do it anymore. It seemed like such a bad idea all of a sudden as I hugged the people I love so much at the train station and walked away from them. That is a moment and a feeling that will live in me forever.
I cried for hours after getting on the train and all the nice people were so concerned and I couldn't even explain. Eventually red wine and whiskey and Xanax helped.
But, I am so so so glad that I chose to ride the train to LA before flying to Quito. The decompression from leaving has been so critical. The room between leaving and arriving. I can't imagine the break that would have occurred in my soul and psyche if I had gotten on a plane and landed in Quito last night. My brain and emotions would have been so fried. 36 hours on the train and a day in LA will be just about right.
I expect the next time I will feel that sense of terror and wonder at the seeming sheer stupidity of this plan will be when I put Mark and Geoff on the plane to leave me in Ecuador. Knowing that I am meeting up with them sure made it easier to keep moving and get on the train. And to not get off it in Salem. And to not get off it in Eugene. And to not get off it in Redding. It crossed my mind every stop for many hours that I could just change my mind and go home. Like when you've climbed up the ladder to the high dive and then you don't want to do it anymore and you could climb back down the ladder? It felt kind of like that. The embarrassment would have sucked so much, but it was an option. For now, I'm still walking to the edge of the board. Determined and terrified and not totally convinced that I'm not going to turn around and climb back down the ladder.
I guess that it is this scary means that it is really worth doing.
Mostly now I'm doing well. I was glad for my travel training over the last years at not being nervous to get off the train and find the subway and then find the hostel in a strange city, at night, carrying all my worldly possessions. I hid my passport and travel money pretty well, figuring that if everything else got stolen, I could still move forward. Glad I don't have to put that to the test.
whew. next year became next month became tomorrow became today. here i am. i'm doing it.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
I just realized that next year has become next month. Wow. Tickets are bought and everything. I got to spend a brilliant summer unemployed. I spent it mostly in town, as when you are trying not to spend money, it becomes harder to go do stuff. But I stocked the fridge with beer and got people to come to me. I made it out of my apartment and am on to other things now. In Hawaii right now, then back home to do some couch surfing before I go. Plan a going away party that will be in a few weeks only. Haven't planned anything on that at all. huh. it'll work out great. Good thing that one of the things I really know how to do is throw a party. I'll just have it at a park with musicians and food and beer. You don't really need anything else.
In rereading some past blogs, there are a few things to catch up on. I did manage to get completely out of debt and have over $4000 saved up, soon to be at least 5K, probably between there and 6. That's pretty good I think, all things considered. And without cashing out 401Ks to do it.
My friends Geoff and Mark are going to come with me for the first two weeks of Ecuador. We'll travel around, have a great vacation, then I will put them on a plane in Quito and see what happens next from there. Right now I am thinking that I would like to spend a month or two with some host families to really get back in to the language. And see what type of volunteering and working I can do. The possibilities are just endless. I can't wait to see what happens next.
And, I am really looking forward to the time in between. The couch surfing with friends and family will be so fun. I love falling asleep and waking up at other people's houses. Seeing their routines. Better chance for real time.
Next month! 43 days. six weeks.
yabba dabba doo!
I'm proud that it's happening and that I didn't have to go erase this blog because it was all a big joke I was playing on myself.
Kauai
I'm in Hawaii right now and so so so glad to be here. After finally getting rid of all my stuff and getting out of my apartment and getting it all cleaned up, my mind and emotions and heart felt like swiss cheese. So many things that I've been holding onto for so many years, attached to some emotion I was holding onto, just gone. I kept one bin and two small boxes of things, and that is all. It left so many holes. I was on the verge of tears that last night, and on the verge of tears the entire airplane ride, so exhausted - mostly emotionally. But then my plan rode the sunset into Hawaii - darkness behind us, pink and orange clouds under us and the sun setting in front of us, it was so symbolic in so many ways. Now I am here and living with my oldest lady friend and her husband and kids for 10 days. They are super wholesome. I haven't eaten white sugar or wheat or anything not organic in a week. We've been harvesting starfruit and oranges and papayas and coconuts and macadamia nuts out of the yard and going to the farmer's market for such amazing food. We just spent four days up in the mountains in a little cabin with some other folks and everyone was playing music and being so nice to each other, you know? I am so eternally grateful that my swiss cheese holes are filling up here with so much pure food and pure love and pure family. Thanks be to the stars for all my good fortune.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
good-bye cubicle!
Sometimes I wish I could have everything I've ever wanted all at the same time. It would be nice to be able to have new chapters without giving up all the great things that already exist in your life. CMD is one of the things that will be hard to give up as I move on to the next adventure.
I have learned more here in the last eight years than anyone could expect from a college education. How to manage budgets and schedules, envision projects, manage people, manage perception and manage myself. How to say "I don't know, will you show me?" How to say, "I really think this is the right way and I'm going to fight for it." How to say "I think you're crazy, but I trust you, so we'll do it your way."
How to buy snacks for a party. Exactly how much booze CMDers will drink in a two hour window on a Wednesday. The best way to get a flight attendant to comp you some red wine and how much a room service cheeseburger goes for in Chicago. And that it is totally worth it after a 17 hour day on your feet, running to make sure that no one knows the roof is about to cave in or that perhaps the stage is on fire.
That people will go further out of their way for a friend than they will for a co-worker. That if you really want people to understand what it means to be on a team and pull off the impossible together, make sure that you have lunch together and go out to celebrate birthdays and accomplishments. At the end of projects, especially when they are the really hard ones, go out together and have a meal or a drink and celebrate them. Then, next time, you will perhaps even look forward to working together instead of still mad for some crazy project related reason. The projects aren't real. The relationships created through them are.
People will forget what you said.
People will forget what you did.
But they will never forget how you made them feel.
CMD has helped me to feel smart, talented, capable and supported.
Treat each other well.
See you at Touché in a few hours.
Stay in touch.
Maryjane
I have learned more here in the last eight years than anyone could expect from a college education. How to manage budgets and schedules, envision projects, manage people, manage perception and manage myself. How to say "I don't know, will you show me?" How to say, "I really think this is the right way and I'm going to fight for it." How to say "I think you're crazy, but I trust you, so we'll do it your way."
How to buy snacks for a party. Exactly how much booze CMDers will drink in a two hour window on a Wednesday. The best way to get a flight attendant to comp you some red wine and how much a room service cheeseburger goes for in Chicago. And that it is totally worth it after a 17 hour day on your feet, running to make sure that no one knows the roof is about to cave in or that perhaps the stage is on fire.
That people will go further out of their way for a friend than they will for a co-worker. That if you really want people to understand what it means to be on a team and pull off the impossible together, make sure that you have lunch together and go out to celebrate birthdays and accomplishments. At the end of projects, especially when they are the really hard ones, go out together and have a meal or a drink and celebrate them. Then, next time, you will perhaps even look forward to working together instead of still mad for some crazy project related reason. The projects aren't real. The relationships created through them are.
People will forget what you said.
People will forget what you did.
But they will never forget how you made them feel.
CMD has helped me to feel smart, talented, capable and supported.
Treat each other well.
See you at Touché in a few hours.
Stay in touch.
Maryjane
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
insomnia
It's funny how you say stuff cause it feels good, then later, when you have to live by it, it's much harder. I told myself that I was going to prepare instead of plan and just go ass over teakettle and see what happens and I will have plenty of money to leave, somehow, I just have to trust.
And while I still believe these things, in theory, now that it is time to let go and put it into practice, it is much harder. Especially knowing that I did it to myself on purpose because it would be good for me. Now it just gives me insomnia.
Two more weeks until I am done working at the place that has paid my bills for the last eight years. I am so excited and so scared at the same time. I plan to leave to SA in the middle of October so that it's after their high season and closer to the beginning of the year when I cash out my 401K but there is also a part of me that would really like to just say "fuck it" and leave straight away. Just go so that I can be done preparing. I also know that this is the fatal part of patience. When you get tired of being patient and are ready to just throw it in and see what happens. There is a balance. There is a fine line.
I sure do spend more money when I'm not working though. I look forward to getting a little more into a home routine. More groceries and such. Down to the coffee house for some Internet. I look forward to starting the TEFL course, I think that will be a fun thing to do sitting on the porch this summer.
Oh, just a couple months of not having to get up to an alarm. That is all I want. And a week out of town. Even though I have years coming, I want a week right now.
And while I still believe these things, in theory, now that it is time to let go and put it into practice, it is much harder. Especially knowing that I did it to myself on purpose because it would be good for me. Now it just gives me insomnia.
Two more weeks until I am done working at the place that has paid my bills for the last eight years. I am so excited and so scared at the same time. I plan to leave to SA in the middle of October so that it's after their high season and closer to the beginning of the year when I cash out my 401K but there is also a part of me that would really like to just say "fuck it" and leave straight away. Just go so that I can be done preparing. I also know that this is the fatal part of patience. When you get tired of being patient and are ready to just throw it in and see what happens. There is a balance. There is a fine line.
I sure do spend more money when I'm not working though. I look forward to getting a little more into a home routine. More groceries and such. Down to the coffee house for some Internet. I look forward to starting the TEFL course, I think that will be a fun thing to do sitting on the porch this summer.
Oh, just a couple months of not having to get up to an alarm. That is all I want. And a week out of town. Even though I have years coming, I want a week right now.
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