packing.

So I´ve always been kind of a terrible packer. This surprises me as it seems like a sort of thing that I would know how to do, but alas, not so much. I have had lots of practice lately though.

Leaving my apartment I had to pack with the following things in mind:
-what I was going to need to live maybe forever in south america; teaching and volunteering.
-what I would need to have saved for me to be brought to south america when I find the ranch.
-two weeks in Hawaii
-five weeks of couch surfing
-two weeks of adventure vacation with mark and geoff

Then after I got back from Hawaii I had to repack so that what I would need for five weeks of couch surfing would be available to me.

Then I had to pack for
-a few more days in portland
-a two day train trip
-a day in LA
-a plane trip
-two weeks of adventure vacation with geoff and mark
-and potentially forever in south america.

I had to repack when I got here for the two week adventure vacation with mark and geoff and put the rest into storage.

Every day I repack to figure out what comes out with me for the day and what I can take back to the stuff in storage for the vacation and figure out what I accidentally packed into that stuff that I need back. Like the cord that goes from my camera to the computer so that i can download images and my external hard drive so that I have somewhere to put them.

I very much look forward to stopping someplace for a minute and not repack even for one dang day. I definitely have way too much stuff so when the guys are gone, I´ll need to go through again and figure out how much of it I can live without. Ecuador has changed it´s visa policy to only being able to stay for three months so if that isn´t work-around-able, I´ll need to get everything down into one bag and figure out which country to head to next. I was really hoping for six months or a year here to get my feet under me. But, then, this is why I´ve never had a plan and will just roll with whatever happens. There are definitely things that I will probably send back home if I´m traveling around more than living in one place.

Anyway, if it isn´t until I´m 80 damn years old, I will conquor this packing thing.

Then I look at Geoff, who is going to away from home for a month, in two different countries, mountains and jungles and beaches and a wedding and has one tiny pack and has every single thing he needs and room in the pack for a souvineir like a big ol´ mask! grrrrr. how does he do it?

saying no can be really hard.

We did much better not getting lost today. Only two days and we're getting the hang of this town. Okay, so I'm getting the hang of the language and Geoff and Mark are figuring out the navigation. I happily follow them and don't even look at street signs. It means I will be lost when they leave, but they have to be good for something after all.

We took the bus to Otavalo market today which is about 2 1/2 hours NE of Quito. I was laughing at myself on the bus. Geoff was taking a nap and Mark was reading a book and they were totally happy and just chillin' on the bus. I had my head out the window like a love-sick puppy the whole time watching and listening and breathing in this new continent that I will call home at least for a while. I tried taking pictures but they wouldn't really work on the moving bus. I think Mark got some footage that was better. He definitely uploaded footage of the market.

The market was an interesting experience. Lots of stuff for sale, as one expects. The real big market day is Saturday so today was pretty mellow, which was kind of nice. It was fun to put my haggling skills back to use, it's been a long time. I probably could have done a better job, but the reality is that we can afford it and it makes a much bigger difference to them. They are so desperate and poor, they ask you "please, please just buy something" and they all plead with you and it's hard to say "no" over and over and over. It just feels so very personal each and every time. Many people are selling crafts that they themselves had made and so you are telling each person, "what you have done is not enough for me. It is not beautiful enough or interesting enough or useful enough. Even if it's only $2.00." Over and over and over. It gets really emotionally exhausting - I had forgotten that part.

I finally had to call a market break so we went and had lunch. Wandered into a cafe and sat down expecting menus, I guess, but instead the boy brought us a plate of popcorn each, then some soup, then a plate of chicken and rice and maize and salad *which we didn't eat* and glasses of tang which we also didn't drink and we laughed cause that is what is for sale in this restaurant, whether you want it or not. And then when the check came it was $3.75. For all three of us. I had him keep $5 cause it just seems like the right thing to do, even though tipping is not expected in this type of restaurant. I have been taught too well by those bartender and server friends for it to be anywhere in my makeup to just walk out of a restaurant or bar without leaving something. I also tip taxi drivers when I'm not supposed to here. But, seriously, how can you not?

So I have had and acidic stomachache all day and didn't sleep well last night so I'm headed off to bed early to try to get caught up on sleep and feeling better. Geoff and Mark are going to climb a mountain tomorrow but I just don't feel up to it so I am going to walk around old town and try to visit Amanda's dad and get some laundry done and just hang out, enjoying the day. I will climb that mountain another day. Also what I want to get done tomorrow is to get my pictures off my camera and so I will be able to start uploading some.

I did have a scare with the camera today as I suddenly couldn't find it and thought maybe someone had gotten it out of my bag even though I was being super careful. Sick sick sicker to my stomach. Luckily I had set it on the counter at the farmacia when we stopped for antacid and they were nice enough to give it back to me. One of the things I bought in the market was a good little bag to put my camera in so I can have it out of my main bag but not living in my hand.
So there is today in Ecuador. Tomorrow I will upload some photos.

Love to each of you.

OK, SO

Please go to Mark's video blog for now. it's late and we're getting up early to go to the Otavalo Market tomorrow. Right now we're punch drunk and a little real drunk and sitting next to each other on computers doing funny stuff. I am so glad I'm here with these guys. Also, Mark is complaining that no one is commenting, so please do so. Today we went to the Equator.

www.youtube.com/oksoblog

The high dive.

"This is a stupid idea and I don't want to do it anymore" is the place that I lived yesterday.

Leaving Portland was so hard. I didn't want to do it anymore. It seemed like such a bad idea all of a sudden as I hugged the people I love so much at the train station and walked away from them. That is a moment and a feeling that will live in me forever.
I cried for hours after getting on the train and all the nice people were so concerned and I couldn't even explain. Eventually red wine and whiskey and Xanax helped.
But, I am so so so glad that I chose to ride the train to LA before flying to Quito. The decompression from leaving has been so critical. The room between leaving and arriving. I can't imagine the break that would have occurred in my soul and psyche if I had gotten on a plane and landed in Quito last night. My brain and emotions would have been so fried. 36 hours on the train and a day in LA will be just about right.
I expect the next time I will feel that sense of terror and wonder at the seeming sheer stupidity of this plan will be when I put Mark and Geoff on the plane to leave me in Ecuador. Knowing that I am meeting up with them sure made it easier to keep moving and get on the train. And to not get off it in Salem. And to not get off it in Eugene. And to not get off it in Redding. It crossed my mind every stop for many hours that I could just change my mind and go home. Like when you've climbed up the ladder to the high dive and then you don't want to do it anymore and you could climb back down the ladder? It felt kind of like that. The embarrassment would have sucked so much, but it was an option. For now, I'm still walking to the edge of the board. Determined and terrified and not totally convinced that I'm not going to turn around and climb back down the ladder.
I guess that it is this scary means that it is really worth doing.
Mostly now I'm doing well. I was glad for my travel training over the last years at not being nervous to get off the train and find the subway and then find the hostel in a strange city, at night, carrying all my worldly possessions. I hid my passport and travel money pretty well, figuring that if everything else got stolen, I could still move forward. Glad I don't have to put that to the test.
whew. next year became next month became tomorrow became today. here i am. i'm doing it.

It's my party!

I just realized that next year has become next month. Wow. Tickets are bought and everything. I got to spend a brilliant summer unemployed. I spent it mostly in town, as when you are trying not to spend money, it becomes harder to go do stuff. But I stocked the fridge with beer and got people to come to me. I made it out of my apartment and am on to other things now. In Hawaii right now, then back home to do some couch surfing before I go. Plan a going away party that will be in a few weeks only. Haven't planned anything on that at all. huh. it'll work out great. Good thing that one of the things I really know how to do is throw a party. I'll just have it at a park with musicians and food and beer. You don't really need anything else.

In rereading some past blogs, there are a few things to catch up on. I did manage to get completely out of debt and have over $4000 saved up, soon to be at least 5K, probably between there and 6. That's pretty good I think, all things considered. And without cashing out 401Ks to do it. 

My friends Geoff and Mark are going to come with me for the first two weeks of Ecuador. We'll travel around, have a great vacation, then I will put them on a plane in Quito and see what happens next from there. Right now I am thinking that I would like to spend a month or two with some host families to really get back in to the language. And see what type of volunteering and working I can do. The possibilities are just endless. I can't wait to see what happens next. 

And, I am really looking forward to the time in between. The couch surfing with friends and family will be so fun. I love falling asleep and waking up at other people's houses. Seeing their routines. Better chance for real time.

Next month! 43 days. six weeks.

yabba dabba doo!

I'm proud that it's happening and that I didn't have to go erase this blog because it was all a big joke I was playing on myself.

Kauai

I'm in Hawaii right now and so so so glad to be here. After finally getting rid of all my stuff and getting out of my apartment and getting it all cleaned up, my mind and emotions and heart felt like swiss cheese. So many things that I've been holding onto for so many years, attached to some emotion I was holding onto, just gone. I kept one bin and two small boxes of things, and that is all. It left so many holes. I was on the verge of tears that last night, and on the verge of tears the entire airplane ride, so exhausted - mostly emotionally. But then my plan rode the sunset into Hawaii - darkness behind us, pink and orange clouds under us and the sun setting in front of us, it was so symbolic in so many ways. Now I am here and living with my oldest lady friend and her husband and kids for 10 days. They are super wholesome. I haven't eaten white sugar or wheat or anything not organic in a week. We've been harvesting starfruit and oranges and papayas and coconuts and macadamia nuts out of the yard and going to the farmer's market for such amazing food. We just spent four days up in the mountains in a little cabin with some other folks and everyone was playing music and being so nice to each other, you know? I am so eternally grateful that my swiss cheese holes are filling up here with so much pure food and pure love and pure family. Thanks be to the stars for all my good fortune.