guts.

Sometimes I come here as though a new post would have been added in my absence, as though it were a different person who is getting ready to go on this adventure. Sometimes I can't imagine that it will be me. That it is me. It's still so far away, but the X's marking my calendar tell me that it gets closer and closer.

I've decided to spend the first year in Mexico and some part of me thinks that I may never leave there. I am so drawn to experience every part. I want to live in the colonial towns in the interior where the tourists never go, because why would you? Except that they are lovely. And I want to live in San Cristobal de las Casas because I fell so deeply in love with it when I was there last. But the rest of the world has caught on and I'm afraid it wont be the town that I left. Of course none of it will be. I was there 18 years ago. 1/2 my life ago. That doesn't even seem possible. It really feels like it has only been a few years. No more than five. I would love love to live in Merida and spend some time back in Tabasco. Of course a sleepy beach town has to be in there somewhere. There isn't enough time left in this life to properly experience Mexico, let alone the rest of Central America and South America and start a ranch and become the benevolent dictator of the world.

I finally start to understand the panic of growing older and realizing that you're running out of time. Trying so hard to understand that my past hasn't been wasted time, for it has gotten me to this point. but dang! it's so easy to feel like you've failed before you've begun. And what if I don't make it? What if these grand plans don't come to fruition? What if I have to come home, defeated by the grandness of my dreams? Will I be able to be proud of myself for trying at all? Or only disappointed that I wasn't able to do it? And if that is the case, will I find another grand dream?

I am grateful to this process for helping me to realize that it isn't actually that hard to make these plans. To bust ass to raise and save the money and desire and belief. I do believe that even if I don't make the entire dream in this go that it wont be the last attempt. I have to remember that this is just the recon mission. That I am going to scope out the terrain and to see what there is to see and learn what there is to learn, then come home and figure out how to apply it to the next trip. If I can find all that I need on this trip, that will be great, but I'm not quite ready to actually "go" if I do find it, so it's all okay. I'll still have to come home and start the non-profit and do the fund raising and get all the poop grouped and be ready to make a life time move.

And so the circles spin. From "this is easy" and "I rule" to "uh-oh, what am I doing" and "I'm not even going to make it a month" and "if I come home early I'm going to have to move to Montana because I'll be embarrassed to move back here" to "there is no one in the world more qualified to do this, you'll be fine." And in the end? it's still just my hot reality and it will be great, no matter what it looks like. Because that is who I am.

And I have good guts.

grace.

meaning it when you look your best friend in the eyes and telling him you are happy for him and you will stand up for him at his wedding while you can barely breathe because your heart has shattered, creating potentially fatal puncture wounds to your lungs

when enough is enough.

things are grand in my world. i start my TEFL on-line course in January with an eight week internship in Mexico when I leave in September. Still not sure where I'm headed after that as I've decided against Panama. Maybe Ecuador? Maybe six months or so in Mexico first? Maybe Uruguay? Hard to say still.
But it's enough to know that I'll be going somewhere. Enough to make my job worth it. Enough to not get stressed about small stuff. Enough to take the opportunities to love my friends. Enough to have the energy to hang out with people when I'm feeling pooped. Enough to not spend my money on frivolous stuff. Enough to tell people "no christmas present exchange with me this year please". Enough to not feel discouraged by a life that feels boring and mundane. Enough that I don't throw my hands up to the universe anymore and ask "What else? What else can I do?" Enough to appreciate tremendously the support system I have built here. Enough to get me to mandolin lessons once a week so that I can take it with me and feel like I can at least play a little. Enough to feel braver about putting stuff out there with people that is scary and hard.

Right now I live in a world called "enough".
And, as it turns out,
that is
enough.