Thursday, October 21, 2010

what's really true

I feel less sure than I used to. I've said too much. I've told too many. Now there are expectations. Now it is for other people. I've lost the vision. I've lost the dream. I've lost the prayers. I'm lost.
I don't really know why I'm here except it's what I'm supposed to do now. I don't have any better plan. Too many people have helped me get here to abandon it now. It doesn't feel real. It doesn't feel authentic. I don't feel authentic. Maybe I need to go do some of that rebirthing work in San Marcos.  Do something. Anything. It's been too long. I don't feel connected to people. I don't feel connected to myself.
I don't know if I believe in aide work anymore. I don't know if aide work is even the goal. Is it? Or was the ranch just a place where all the people I loved would come and it would never end? And now that those relationships are compromised I don't really care anymore.
How could I have fallen so far out of love with my life? Once upon a time Matt told me he didn't know anyone who loved their life as much as I loved mine. What happened to that girl? How do I fix it? How do I fix who I am?
How do I tell anyone that I am not me. They know already. What happened? At what point did I disasociate with the world? When did I stop loving people? When did I stop loving me? When did I stop saying thank you? When did I stop believing in God? When did I lose faith? It seems to have happened. I can't find it anymore. I can't tap in to the eternal source. 
I  took that trip to find the me I lost and ended up even more lost than before. I don't feel like I'm on the right path. I don't feel like I'm pulling my weight in the world. I don't look around me and make it better anymore. I used to think I could. I used to believe that even if I just made it better for somebody that I was doing my job in the world. Did it just get too overwhelming? Did I lose faith that I can make it better at all? My drop in this bucket suddenly seems so small. The world's need seems so big. My lovelight is so dim it isn't lighting my way, it certainly isn't lighting the way for the people around me.
So how do I fix that? How do I shine more brightly? I'm out of ideas. How do I find the motivation when it isn't there? What am I not admitting to? There must be something, some kind of switch that I'm not finding. In this dark room unable to find the light switch.
When I know what it takes and I just don't do it. I know that praying helps and I don't do it. I know that making lists of gratitude works and I don't make them. I know that drinking enough water and getting exercise helps and I don't do it. I know that I shouldn't still be awake at 2am but I have no intention of turning off the light. How do I get myself to do it? How do I find the motivation?
I don't feel like I've gotten smarter in a long time. I used to get smarter all the time and now I feel so much less smart than I used to be even.
Maybe I've been trying to take a shortcut with traveling. Thinking that smarter will happen all on its own if I am going to the places people get smarter. I guess it's true, that the only enlightenment you find on the top of mountains is the enlightenment you take up there with you.
All I know to do now is to change my situation. Put myself into a situation where I am working hard and don't have time for all this nonsense. Get back into the country. Get back to where I can sit and look at mountains. Figure out a way to be able to afford some of the meditation retreats.
Once I told someone I was really stuck and I felt like I needed a firehose to come and clean out my gunked up gears. She told me that it was fine to wait for a firehose to come along and all but in the meantime I should probably get out an eyedropper and get to work. Smart lady.
So I guess just have faith that I am on the right path. Have faith that I have chosen an immediate future that will work better for me than living in the city right now with a lot of frustrated and cynical people talking. Start over in the bottom corner of the dark room and go row by row, brick by brick and look for the switch again because it must be here, I just haven't recognized it yet. Get out the eyedropper. Make myself do it.
I am grateful for the people who raised me and the childhood and education and opportunities I have been given.
I am grateful for the people who have been put in my life and continue to be in it loving me and supporting me.
I am grateful that despite my best efforts sometimes, I am in good health.
I am grateful for a life that gives me the freedom to explore these things instead of just wondering where my next meal might come from.
I am grateful for the abundance. Mine and the universe's.
I am grateful that I am a child of the universe and that I am loved and that I do walk in light and if I would just open my eyes I will see and know.
I am grateful that this dream exists. I am grateful that in my heart of hearts if I really get still and listen and watch, it will still show itself to me. I know it is timid from being beaten up, but she is still there, eager to be friends again and to trust me again.
I am grateful for the smiles on the faces of the people who have little reason to smile and the reminders they give.
I am grateful for this beautiful tool chest of mine that knows when to pull out a list of gratitude.


  1. Honey, you made me cry today... You're so brave to admit all this stuff and your words touch my heart. I've been trough the same stages. Sold everything I've got and set off to a traveller's life. Volunteering. And today I get this e-mail from my friend which makes me doubt the whole thing. After all the congradulations am I allowed to feel lost like you? Am I allowed to cry because I'm lonely? Am I allowed to cry because I miss my friends and my dog and all their love? I guess you're my sister soul... Keep it up, I guess I'll make a list too...

  2. thanks! I feel so much better. Feelings aren't permanent. Life moves on through the phases of despair and content and flourishing. I have courage again. The oomph to keep moving. Looking for the things that inspire me and give me hope. You find them too. The reasons to keep moving. You are doing beautifully.

  3. Buck up little camper. I love you and am living vicariously through you!

  4. yay! next post is much better one to live vicariously! <3 - thanks for your support, i miss you.

  5. Humans are so sappy. Of course we're all allowed to cry. I screw up, too. I feel blue, too. I feel lost. I feel sad. I feel confused, stubborn, lost, frightened, out of sorts.

    And then, I breath deeply in and out. It improves. The bravery comes back.
    Slowly, but surely it does come back. I feel so ashamed when I do, not. I stiffle a scream (right now I wonder why I don't just cry out!)

    I breath in. I breath out. The bravery comes flooding back.
    The sun hits the water. I come running back.