Monday, February 25, 2008


There seem to be a lot of vs. in my world right now.

Today it is planning vs. being prepared.

Reading, researching, budgeting, praying, cleaning house, selling items, buying items, packing and repacking in my head, all of this in preparation.

Doing my very very best to keep the planning to a minimum. Trust that I will find the next best thing as it comes to me and being conscious of losing not-yet-known opportunities by putting too many plans in place. Plenty of hopes, plenty of would-likes and visions. Just not too much that is solid.

So when people ask me what my plan is, they are rarely satisfied. With much love and with my best interest in heart, they share their fears that I have not researched this properly and are afraid that I am not well prepared. I try to thank them for the help and concern and smile to myself knowing that I am exactly on track. I am the only one who has to trust my ability to do this in my own way.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

going vs. leaving

I can not wait to go. Buzz buzz buzz buzz, is it here yet? yet? yet? yet?

How will I ever screw up the courage to leave? How can I give up what i have? Most importantly, who I have? There are people that I miss so much it hurts my heart when I don't see them for a week. How will I leave? It might be easier to know that I was planning to be gone for a year. Or any predetermined amount of time. But I plan to be gone at least five years and maybe forever. What have I done? How can I hug these people for the last time for so long? I don't leave for seven months still and it already brings tears to my eyes some days.

I know I have to go, I just don't know how on earth I'm going to leave.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

somebody has to start walking

You know when you are camping with a group of friends and you decide that you're going to go down to the river together and you all stand around for a while waiting to go. Waiting while someone just grabs a jacket which reminds someone that they need their smokes, but now someone needs a beer because we've been standing here so long, but hang on cause I might want my guitar, etc. until someone just starts walking. And then people look at each other and say "are we going?" and eventually people start to follow the one walking? I feel like the walker. I am ready to go and willing to go first. And eventually those who will follow me will catch up and we'll have our adventure. It's very fun. Even if no one else comes along, just for a minute they thought they would and sometimes that's enough.