mmmmm.

Tomorrow is my birthday! I am having a book exchange. Help me get more stuff out of my house and give me books to read so that I don't have to spend money to buy them. And get people to come over and visit and maybe play music and have a good day. It's meant to be the only sunny and warm day in two weeks, so that's good timing.

I was so very good about not spending money on things and getting my debt paid off so quickly, and now, with only three thousand to go, i have been so lame! i just ran out of ability to be disciplined, I have got to get that back!

There are still lots of things to be done. Some of it I can be doing and I'm just being lazy about, some of it I can't do yet.

I'm finding it harder and harder to be at work. I was an hour late to work every day this week. And I took a cab three days. That is just ridiculous. I just am so ready to be done. But I have caught myself in this game. I have to be done working soon. But I don't get to be done working until I have paid off my debt completely. Yet I do things like take a cab three days a week because I can't bring myself to get out of bed and go to work because I'm so ready to be done. I am so silly. And I have to knock it off.

I guess I am finding myself in the downfall of waiting so long between deciding and actually leaving. Sometimes I am really excited about it, but more and more often it is feeling like a chore. But even if I decided not to go at all, I would still need to pay off my debt and be done working at this job, so none of that changes. Just do it.

I always feel kind of funny and discontent right around my birthday. I am noticing this pattern in myself. And it's always funny because May 1st weekend is always right after and I have been focused on my birthday and then suddenly it's like three days to May 1st and I am not prepared and I'm out of sorts and it's hard to look forward to this holiday properly.

Whateves. I'm moving to South America. All of this stuff will get done and I will accomplish this goal and it will happen before I know it.

What this is really about.

Looking forward to a date with myself.

The opportunity, in a few months to sit down and have a conversation.

self, you are out of debt.
you are free of obligations.
you have enough money in your pocket.

what do you want to do?

I will be able to go anywhere in the world and do anything I want to. Good savings and no debt and a clean slate are enough to at least start a life really anywhere in the world. I could get a start in NYC or France or go to the the Antarctic or move to Montana or drive the AlCan highway or take the train across Siberia, move to an island in the south pacific, any of the hundreds of things I've always wanted to do. African safaris.

Meanwhile, the research focuses on Ecuador and I will be pleased to end up there if I don't decide differently that afternoon sitting in the trees or at the ocean.

Think of what abundance that is.

Talk about a truly privileged life, who gets to do that? Who on the planet gets to have that date with themselves. Such a small percentage. So many people will never ever get that opportunity, and so many who could have it will never choose it.

For the rest of my life I will know that I have experienced true abundance. True privilege. To have gotten to make a conscience decision about what to do with my whole life with every opportunity open to me.

As someone who has always fought tooth and nail against being told I must do something, I guess this will be my best revenge. For at least a moment, not one single person, including myself, will be able to tell me what I must or mustn't do.

That rules.

Also, it's kind of scarey.