spell checker doesn´t work - sorry.

So the doctor I went and saw yesterday was really interesting. First we visited for about an hour - he´s a trained therapist of one sort or another. It is really interesting to talk with a counselor in a language that is not your own. It makes it impossible to hide in nuance and sublties. It is much different to just admit to something in simple words than couch it in maybe´s and kind of´s. It is also interesting to be somewhere that my reputation for being solid and strong and having my shit together isn´t with me. He told me that my body was strong (even though i was there for a broken back!?!) but my heart and soul and emotions are not. That I have been hiding behind pretending to be strong but in reality I am not. It´s hard to own that stuff, you know? My ego wants to say "NO! I am not sensitive and emotional and a crybaby and weak. You just don´t know me!" But I have to let higher self take over and admit that maybe that isn´t who I once was, but it certainly is who I am right now.

For six years, live your life and do your work, but in the seventh, go into solitude or among strangers, so that your friends, by knowing who you are, don´t prevent you from being whom you´ve become.

I keep coming back to this. That I had to leave for a reason, and that is because it was too easy to not do the real work when I had people surrounding me that I could always call and would be a wonderful distraction. I would always have such a great time and be filled with real love that I thought it was what I was supposed to be doing. And I do truly miss that. I miss having friends soooo much. Having someone to call and go have a beer or see some music. That has been the hardest adjustment. I have to remember that I did that really well for a lot of years. I lived that life to it´s fullest and am so grateful for the chance. I don´t want to live that forever, I have other things to do and so I am going to have to do the work to get to another place in my life. The Doctor said in many ways that I am full of fear. I hate that. The vehemence with which I hate it leads me to understand that it is touching a very raw nerve and something to finally really really look at.

After kicking my ass verbally and mentally for a while, he took me into the treatment room and put a million injections of something that I have no idea what it was, but it tasted foul. He put a few in my apendectomy scar, one in my belly button and some in my lower abdomen so that I can come to terms with deciding not to be a mama. I´m not sure about that, but his take on my very simplified version of events was that because the first time I decided I didn´t want to be a mom was from watching so many births as a child and deciding by the time I was eight that I wasn´t going to do that, that I am afraid of pain. This may be true, but I don´t accept it as a whole or complete reason for deciding not to have my own kids. Anyway, some shots there. A shot into each of my wisdom teeth sockets, a few shots into my root canal and some shots into my back. Jeez!

He also gave me some sort of potion for nerves that I had to take five times yesterday and five times today and three times before I see him again tomorrow at 11:00. I refuse to accept that I am full of fear if I make it back to his dang office tomorrow, knowing that all those shots are coming.

He also said that I know what I want and that I have good work to do in the world, we just need to get past this stuff so that I can go on and do it to the full potential that I am able. I agree, the work is hard, but not as hard as not doing it.

I know, why trust this quack? Why let him inject me full of stuff I don´t know what it is? Well, for one, cause, why not? But also because he has been Ruby´s family doctor for 27 years and they all trust him very very much. So when your options are laying in bed or going to the doctor, you go to the doctor. And I think that this more wholistic approach is a pretty healthy one. And he had lots of humor and called me on some shit that I think I´ve been waiting a long time for someone to call me on. So, where it goes from here, I don´t know, but I thought I´d share with you all what is really going on in my life. And, like I say in my byline, this blog is to remind me of what I am up to and it feels like this is really important stuff to be up to.

Love you, happy holidays to you. Stay warm in Portland.